Monday, January 26, 2009

Thoughts running through my head

It's good to know there ARE thoughts running through my head. Bart will be especially proud. Hah! My mom even asked me "so I read what you wrote in your Blog and wondered what's going on, what are you thinking about?" Now, I cannot pull anything like that out of my Blog but she's mom and I had to admit to her that "well, I've been rather reflective lately" and I just couldn't seem to write anything down. Besides posts about travel and kids on camels.

I will attempt, in my small way, to share what's been touching me, hitting me and otherwise making me think lately. These things combine to make sense to me - I don't know whether it will fully make sense to you.

You see, a short while ago I did something that has now put me in touch with people I've not had contact with in a long time. 20-25 years long time. It's a strange feeling. I'm as introverted on the computer as I can be in person so I feel a bit vulnerable in having reached out this way.

When you think of your past, especially those High School or University days, do you focus on the fun or the not so fun?

I tend to be quite critical of myself - Bart can attest to the fact I can give myself my own best beating. I have a tendency to focus on things I should have done differently/better, instead of what I did well. I worried very much about what people thought. Legalism really got in the way and I didn't understand at the time it was that (legalism)which I rebelled against. (fyi background info. on me - I went to Christian schools from Kgarten to 12th grade not knocking Christian schooling, just had some issues with certain things that would take forever to explain) Not that I rebelled very hard, but for me it was real. And through that time, I lost touch with people for various reasons. Finding it hard to turn back once the 'reasons' no longer existed.

So that is something I've been mulling over.

OK- switch gears a little. Our Bible study this year is "A Heart Like His" - a study of King David. Last week we discussed the passage in 2 Samuel where David and the Israelites are returning the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem and I'll share these bits which add to my thoughts:

vs.14 - 16 "And David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, and David was wearing a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouting and the sound of the trumpet. Then it happened as the ark of the Lord came into the city of David that Michal the daughter of Saul (also David's wife) looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart."
vs. 20 - 22 "But when David returned to bless his household, Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, "How the king of Israel distinguished himself today! He uncovered himself today in the eyes of his servants maids as one of the foolish ones shamelessly uncovers himself!" So David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel; therefore I will celebrate before the Lord. And I will be more lightly esteemed than this and will be humble in my own eyes, but with the maids of whom you have spoken, with them I will be distinguished."

OK - so Michal tries to get King David to be ashamed of his actions but he said, forget it, I'm not out there to impress you, I'm out there to impress God. So that started us (ladies) on a discussion of how we worship God and are we inhibited in our worship because of the people around us? Is it personality? Culture? Church denomination?

Which then brought me around to those thoughts about the past. There were several blog posts that also touched me along this realm and really helped round out my thoughts. My mom said that each season of life brings new reflection and new ways of looking at life.

All of the above allows me to make a conclusion re: those thoughts: Life has led me down some wonderful roads and I am foolish to even for a moment, look back and think of the far past critically. Except for learning :). My path is my own and God has been so faithful. I am not the person I was 20 years ago and I'm ever so thankful I have grown much in that time. To reconnect with people I enjoyed from the past and have fun with it. To have friendships that are enduring and experience worship in a way that is meaningful between me and my Creator. If others are worshiping alongside - Wonderful. But my worship does not depend on them and I am not dependent on what they think about my worship. (Unless it happens to be a Sunday I'm leading worship and then it's a whole 'nother ballgame)

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalms 19:14

Bart would have me put this in the "deep thoughts" category :).

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